If you're like me, and any sane person is at least trying to be, there are two things you love: Hoodwinking rubes, and making fun of people who pretend to have magic powers. There may be other things you love, but I didn't use any of them in this prank, so who cares.
I put an ad up on Craigslist, in the gigs section (By mistake, I posted it in Casual Encounters first and did not get anything suitable for this website, unless you can prescribe a strong topical antifungal ointment, in which case please email me). The ad essentially said that an upcoming reality TV series was looking for individuals with paranormal powers to be accompanied by a camera crew for several weeks, for compensation "more than the average American earns in a year."
I figured that the prospect of being on television would be too tempting for people who might be self-conscious otherwise, and as usual, I was right. Replies came pouring in. I also asked each person if they would please elaborate on some of the problems and complications their amazing spooky imaginary powers have caused in their lives. The names have been changed to protect the incredibly embarrassing.
My name is Cameron Poe and I am 21 years old and I have paranormal and supernatural capabilities. Something about your ad that struck me in particular was when you mentioned if I felt alone and I do. This is because being at the top of this paranormal spectrum is lonely. Let me tell you why; here is what I can do:
Using a deck of cards I can display precognitive skills; I can see something before it happens. I can predict and control the outcome of certain events. I find it most impressive using decks of cards but I can also use small objects. Under certain circumstances I can read people's thoughts - guess the card they're thinking of. It's not an exact science, which makes it difficult, original, and impossible for people to ignore. Consequently, I know you too will be impressed. Calling my gift "magic" or my display "card tricks" would dwarf what I am speaking of. In fact, I would appreciate the generous compensation you described in your ad but whatever the compensation it cannot compare to my gaining a better understanding of my abilities.
Honestly, I feel kind of bad for this guy - he's able to pick what card you're thinking of, but only some of the time, and this freaks him out so much that he feels that "magic" isn't a good enough word to describe it. I have to admit that life would be a lot more interesting if my mind were constantly being blown by completely normal things, like a dog crossing the street. I'm kind of jealous.
I wrote to ask what problems or complications this causes him, and here's what he said:
My supernatural capabilities have caused complications and problems in a variety of capacities in my life.
First, and most importantly, I was not able to graduate from high school. The capabilities I have are all-consuming and prevent me from sleeping, eating regularly, and keeping to a structure and schedule established independent of myself. This made meeting high school's requirements impossible but, at the time, figuring out why I was so different was paramount. For example, I can count things without actually having to count them, I can do complex math problems in my head, and, when it comes to numbers, predict outcomes with precise accuracy. I learned and am learning that my predictions don't have to be based in numbers. Being a sixteen year old who was failing out of school and struggling with normalcy, I decided to be a little more destructive with these abilities and started appearing in underground poker rings in Lawrence – dark back rooms where the other players packed heat and I stole all their money. I amassed so much wealth before the age of seventeen I bought a car in cash and was consequently red flagged by the IRS. I guess they recognized I didn't get that kind of cash by mowing lawns. I then received noticed that I was gray listed by several major casinos in the US so celebrated my 21 birthday would not be in Las Vegas. I had also been suspended from school so many times even I couldn't keep track. This angered my parents and I moved out at eighteen without a diploma and still no idea what I was capable of.
Again, because what I do can be extrapolated through cards so well I had an unfortunate incident with a Tarot card reader on the crowed boulevard of Hampton Beach. She told me to shuffle the deck of Tarot cards, which I did, and got a sense of how the cards were organized. I didn't know what each card meant but I sensed which were of the negative persuasion and dealt her death, destruction, and disease putting her in tears. I guess my own frustrations with my abilities infected those around me to my own amusement.
This became something of an obsession. Since I had no diploma, no home, and I couldn't sleep, I worked the night shift doing inventory at a Dunkin Donuts. The inventory, as a compulsive counter, literally took seconds so I would spend the rest of the night hanging out and toying with people of authority who strolled through the door: cops. Showing my capabilities to those professionally trained in detective observation skills were absolutely shocked and angered by what I could do. "Do it again!" they would demand and my only reply would be, "Watch as many times and as closely as you want. This is not smoke and mirrors: This is the supernatural."
The lesson here is simple: Stay in goddamn school, kids. I think his "dark poker rooms" story was an episode of Baywatch Nights, by the way.
Our next candidate is - well, he's so Raven.
Hello, my name is DeAndre Way,i am psychic and i am interested in your ad posted on craigslist. i am 20 years old, and i have a very hectic life. I am able to see things before they happen almost in a "thats so raven" way. I have almost 3 psychic experiences a day. please consider me. Feel free to contact me via email at ddacosta88@xxx.com and/or via phone at 7[number removed, are you kidding?].
There you have it: The Disney Channel TV Show method of appraising the paranormal. I personally tend to compare my own superhuman abilities to the Cheetah Girls, but that's only because I can turn into a cheetah. Who's a girl. I don't want to talk about this.
I sent him the requisite questions about how this complicates his life.
Hi i am sorry it took so long to respond. I have very random thoughts at first they barely make sense until it manifest later in the day or week. I have learned how to distinguish between random thoughts and the visions. I dont speak to dead people and i dont practice my ability. I am a normal 21 year old who has a gift. I compare myself to thats so raven except i'm the real deal. If you watched thats so raven you will see that she sometimes goes off into a random daydream and has a vision. Most time raven doesn't understand the meaning of the vision until later on when everything comes together.This is exactly what happens to me.I have many visions a day and i will be able to speak on them it'll be great for the crew to see how my visions manifest into reality.
So we have a guy who's impressed by his ability to do card tricks, and this guy, who has thoughts he can't figure out for a week. I'm starting to see potential for a TV show here, actually, the more I think about it, but it's more of a Japanese game show where people get covered in bees.
It's getting to be a bit of a sausage party in here, so let's turn it over to Margo:
I've been reading tarot cards and the runes since the age of 14. I'm slightly older now. I'm extremely exact, have predicted deaths, births, divorces and have had prophetic dreams. One was of my mother's death. I saw her being wheeled out on a gurney from her apartment and one week later, that's what happened. I also had a dream of the San Fran earthquake 3 days before it happened. I saw myself in a baseball stadium and felt myself falling down in it. You know what happened next. I even told my cousin about it who lives there. I also had a close encounter of a ghost at a friend's house. He was knocking on the wall for over a half hour to get my attention. I confirmed my experience with the Woodstock historian. I'm extremely intuitive. I've always felt different than everyone else. Look at this picture!
Margo
Look at this picture, indeed. Have your abilities caused you any problems, Margo? Other than the fact that you look like a drunk waitress?
some of my friends think i'm crazy. lol. or that i'm just exaggerating. they're not major problems, but i have to watch what i say and to whom.
the dreams bother me when i get them and that could be very disturbing. but i don't get them that often. all of this has changed my attitude towards death.
i wouldn't do a reading for my mom, because i had a bad feeling about her and she knew it. she died 6 months later and had asked me whether i thought something bad was going to happen to her. it did.
Yes, I'd think if you went around telling people they were going to die you'd feel like you have to watch what you say. And now for the professional portion of the evening:
Good day!
Joshua the psychic here, who received the highest rating in in Time Out New York's psychic expose last year.
I started working professionally as a psychic in the '90s at The Original Tremont Tearoom, the world's oldest, most reputable psychic institution. I had gone there for a reading, and was impressed. When I expressed an interest in learning astrology, I was told how tarot is interconnected to the oldest science, and I was sold. I underwent training as a psychic, to align myself with my intuition, which involved a lot of meditation. I also learned other divination techniques.
I am an empathic clairaudient, which means I have the ability to sense the emotions of others, and I hear the messages I relay to querents. Unlike some psychics, I have the ability to shut down my abilities. When I am needed to serve in that capacity by giving a reading, I open myself up again.
Please find out more on my website, and let me know if you;re interested in working with me.
I asked him the same question I asked everyone else; I didn't ask him what kind of dillweed uses the word "querents," and I consider that a failing of mine. He said:
I would say the biggest difficulty about being a professional psychic is social. People unfamiliar with psychic phenomenal tend to feel threatened. Depending on their social skills/style, they'll either dismiss what I do and debate me, or just keep their distance. Even though I have no interest in reading people that I'm not hired to read, some people who know what I do are always on-guard--like they think I can read their minds or something. This can cause problems because really I'm just a normal guy who has this gift that I have to use--I didn't choose this profession (who would choose to be psychic?) but it chose me. So basically, the biggest problem for me is social--it's hard to meet new people when many are unnecessarily guarded around me.
Otherwise, it's just people who don't know much about psychic abilities who make the same stupid jokes. It's harmless, but grating. This is my life and my profession which I care very much about--I don't make jokes about other occupations. Though I understand the comedy inherent in what I do from a detached vantage point, it's sometimes obnoxious, and makes meeting new people for the first time less fun.
There's a common theme in these emails of having a hard time making or keeping friends. Whether or not that is because of actual psychic powers is left as an exercise for the reader.
We close out with Abner:
Hi, I am a hypnotherapist in private practice. Sometimes people come to me for the purposes to reunit people who passed away, or regress to their pass life, or to increase thier psychic intution. Occasionally, I was able to perform sessions with results that are "miracle" by medical standard, for example this lady who have had MS for the last 7 years was able to walk without assistant after 3 sessions, an young lady who was unable to walk after a rape trama was able to move out her wheel chair and recently went back to college, a harvard scientist who battled stuttering for all his life was able to talk comfortably after just one session. I know I am rather late in responding, but if you are looking for a hypnosis super star, I am your man!
Sincerely
Abner : )
The part about the private practice is what slays me. You mean you're not on the staff of a major metropolitan hospital? Folks pay this putz to hypnotize them, tell them they were Buckminster Fuller in a past life, and send them on their merry way, a little dizzy and several bucks lighter. This guy doesn't need a reality show, he's already got my dream job: tell egregious lies and get mad scrilla.
So what have we learned here today? We have learned an important lesson about the truly gifted among us: they work at Dunkin' Donuts, watch the Disney Channel and would really, really like to be on TV.
