I want to write for Heavy.com - who wouldn't? But I'm having a problem. I just have too many ideas! And they won't pay me for all of them. So I decided to skip the middleman, not waste time writing the damn things, and pass the savings on to you. Are you ready for the ride of your life?

1. How to fall in love with a hitchhiker.
2. Advice for saving your relationship based on books about werewolves.
3. A detailed list of reasons why I will never respect Jeff Goldblum.
4. Why religion is "wack", a Top Ten list.
5. 50 Cent should have called himself A Dollar if he cared so much about selling albums, and other things 50 Cent should have done.
6. Replace all your pen caps, fashion tips on fashionable tips.
7. Being a fat skateboarder in the Coast Guard.
8. An article about the incredible rush of adrenaline I got when I realized I'd never be able to tell the difference between a man telling me he ate pussy and an eight year old with a low voice and poor grammar announcing to me his age and telling me I was a pussy by saying "I eight pussy" if I was interviewing these two people with my back turned to them.
9. How to look cool without ever buying expensive clothes (the secret is to make the colors match).
10. Make a record of everything, because the greatest gift you can give your children is a record of everything.
11. How to survive the Nintendo Wii.

12. Just who does Jimmy Fallon think he is anyway?
13. How to haunt people like a scary ghost
14. How to walk around everywhere like you are a creepy alive skeleton
15. All kinds of thoughts about tattoos.
16. Some good alchoholic drinks, named and described.
17. Ultimate fox list, my favorite fox breeds ranked and each assigned their own theme music.
18. An introduction of the concept of an anti-bumfights video, bum treaties.
19. If you hit one of those miniature pumpkins with one of those really big zucchinis then you can have a version of baseball that isn't bad for the environment.
20. How to assemble a superstar basketball team if you're in a movie or TV show and have to win a basketball game.

21. One day I ate three steaks, a live blog.
22. Stop calling it a "pile of trash," it's a collection of boxes.
23. Why I'll only stop if it's Hammertime.
24. If you want to find out where the coolest cats in town go just catch some cats and put them in your freezer and then you'll know. Be a trendsetter.
25. Stories of My Dick.
26. Stories of My Dick At Sea.
27. Stories of My Dick In Space.
28. Stories of My Dick In The Future.
29. Stories of My Dick The Final Reckoning.

30. The Day I Tried To Replace Big Bird with either Big Bord or Big Brode and both of them ended up dying.
31. What kind of CP gets you in the most trouble: child porn, corn pudding, cocaine parties, or cock punching? I hit the streets to find out.
32. A still alive man was crawling out of his open grave to the shocked and teary joy of his family members and a trumpeter was playing fanfare as he clawed his way back to life and I kicked him in the face and then he fell back into his open coffin and really did die, an editorial on why this is good.
35. My Sex Is Justice, a "Rant."
36. A lot of people go to gothic clubs in white makeup dressed as a vampire, but not many dump raw sewage on themselves and go as the Creature from the Black Lagoon, however I do that.
37. "At night when everything is quiet I think of secret kisses," and other excerpts from the journal of a young child which I stole.
38. Interview with the ironic vegetarian, a man who kills animals by scooping out their eyes and skinning them alive then mounts their leathered corpses in twisted, nature-hating dioramas though he doesn't eat them.
39. How to beat a one legged man in a pissing contest despite the famously full bladders of the one-legged.
40. World's loneliest cheese tastings.

41. Fashion/Arts article where I corral a gaggle of homeless men, put them in tight t-shirts and proclaim them "the new kings of wine".
42. Old people are so unattractive!
43. A Selective List of the Most Urban-Tasting Hot Sauces.
44. Ideas to solve the upcoming energy crisis: put dynamite in gasoline, etc.
45. My doctor said that he wouldn't be able to cure my cold so I told him he was a first class doctor of nothing, that's what you are is what I said to him.
46. Ass murder syndrome is like Asperger's syndrome except for the symptoms are it makes you want to murder someone's ass.
47. I think the hit single of the cop rapper, if there were a cop who was also a rapper, would go like "I once did a murder, I once did a crime, I once solved a murder, I once stopped a crime."
48. I once gave a blind chicken it's sight back just so it would taste surprised later.
49. Do you think a gay Godzilla would change his name to Gaydzilla or do you think he would go for something like "Marcus"? Eight pages of mental noodling on this transcribed from tape dictation.
50. Movies Will Smith dies in.