In today's hilarious science news, a BBC naturalist and television producer has ruffled some fur when he was quoted saying we should "pull the plug" on giant pandas and stop trying to keep them from going extinct. Pandas are evolutionarily screwed because they only eat bamboo, they hate to have sex, and they weigh like two hundred pounds. Sounds like this girl I went to college with, only replace "bamboo" with "Ring-Dings." So what could we do with these big dumb bears? I have some suggestions.
- Take the panda money and try to breed unicorns. Do you realize how laid you would get if you had an actual unicorn? Not one of those creepy goats with horns tied together that they had in 1800s circuses, but a glittering horse with a perfect, phallic horn jutting from its majestic skull? It'd be like owning a hologram of a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper.
- Take the 1600 pandas left alive and put them in a cage, making them fight until only the strongest two survive. Have those two breed and we may have this problem licked. If both survivors are male, there may be a problem with this plan. If both survivors are female, there may also be a problem with this plan but if we videotape it we could maybe sell it to the Spice Channel.
- Entrust surviving pandas to Japanese toy scientists. These guys have spent their whole lives trying to make things tiny and cute, and there's no denying the cuteness of the panda. So let's get these fat bastards in the lab and cut them open to see if we can find where the "cute glands" are. Think about it - once we can synthesize the panda cuteness hormone, Jennifer Aniston can inject it directly into her feet to try to stay attractive for the one... more... day... she needs to get Brad Pitt back. And who are we to deny a crazy woman her dream?
- Eat them. 1600 pandas at 200-250 pounds per, probably about half of that is usable meat, = 2400 pounds of grade A Panda chuck. 9600 panda-meat Quarter Pounders. There are some people in like Africa or someplace who have never had a Quarter Pounder - can we really be so cruel, as a species, as to deny them one? Let's do the right thing here, people.
