You gotta give the Mafia some credit - at least they're inventive. News came out last week that an up-and-coming operative in the Camorra, the notorious Naples mob, had been arrested for using a small alligator as a weapon to get protection money from local businessmen. Sure, he got busted, but the basic idea is sound - animal weapons are untraceable, require no ammunition, and only crap on the floor every once in a while. If the Mob really wants to keep going with this, I have some ideas. Please note that the videos accompanying each entry are not professional weaponsmiths, but rather primarily drunken hillbillies screwing around.
Snake Whips: Sure, there's already a kind of whip called a snake whip, but I'm talking the real deal - a live, venomous snake, poised and ready to strike, with the added incentive of centrifugal force driving its head through the air faster than the speed of sound. You combine Indiana Jones' best friend with Indiana Jones' worst enemy and you get a lot of dead Indiana Jones' killed by other Indiana Jones' - I think. I might have done the math wrong there.
Cat Bombs: Screw cats, IMO. Ever since the Internet revealed that they talk like retarded Ewoks, I've lost a lot of respect for them. Here's a fun historical tidbit to lead into this one: during World War II, the Office of Strategic Services was having a hard time hitting German ships with bombs dropped from planes. Some genius proposed that, since cats a) hate water and b) always land on their feet, they could strap cats to bombs and the animals would guide their descent to make a solid landing on the Nazi ships. Unfortunately, these bombs weighed hundreds of pounds so the end result was just a lot of flat, exploded cats. But hey, bombs are way smaller now!
Bee Guns: Sure, bullets are pretty cool. They're simple, cheap, and do some damage. But imagine how freaked out you would make a dude if, when you pulled the trigger, a swarm of angry hornets came rocketing out of the barrel, venom at the ready. And a hornet or wasp can sting multiple times - you find me a bullet that can do that. The only problem with these weapons is reloading them - science has yet to find a way to incorporate bees into a self-loading magazine, so for field use marksmen would need to be equipped with thick gloves and tweezers.
Trick Candiru Underpants: This is more of a covert ops thing, but it's too cool an idea to pass up. If you're not familiar with the candiru, or "toothpick fish," consider yourself lucky. Then watch the video. The Candiru is a tiny, blood-drinking fish that has been know to swim up the human urethra during urination, lodging in the penis and causing some severe dong trauma. So what better way to take out a political target like, say, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, than to give him a diplomatic gift of Western underwear with a candiru hibernating inside. Wait for him to piss his pants and wham! Mission accomplished, for real this time.
I could think of hundreds more - shark swords, porcupine boxing gloves, tarantula shotguns - but you should get my point by now. The animal kingdom doesn't just give us delicious meat - it can also give us the power to destroy our enemies. Let's take it, people.
