Hello, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to welcome you to Heavy's newest column, Ask the Experts. In each part of this series we will examine the fascinating world around us, taking questions from our loyal readers on any subject you can think of. To facilitate this effort, at the cost of literally millions of dollars, Heavy has conscripted a research team from hundreds of the world's greatest universities and think tanks.
We are here for you. Feel free to ask us anything, from how to tie a sheepshank to the finer points of theoretical particle streams in null-gravity environments. Hit us with your best shot! Here's a somewhat embarrassing question we received through a recent online survey.
| Dear Experts,
I am a little embarrassed to ask this, but I have seen many advertisements on late night television about various pills that claim to increase the size of 'that certain part of the male anatomy.' Is there any truth to their claims? Respectfully, Matsuo Hitomi |
Matsuo,
Oh my, there's no need to be embarrassed, this is by far the most common question we received. The answer is yes, they most certainly do increase the size of your lumberjack's pride. Taken as recommended, the pills can increase the size of your penis tremendously! Each pill is really a super-concentrated dose of the mineral calcium, which flows through your bloodstream and deposits itself on your penis bone (the bone that extends from your pelvic floor through your penis when you become aroused), thus increasing the size of your member. Much like the process that creates deep cave stalagmites. Our testing also revealed two unfortunate related drawbacks; it seems the deposits can either add a tremendous amount of length or girth, but never both at the same time. So you end up with either a penis that is 2 feet long but as thick as a pencil, or an erection that is only one inch long and up to 24 inches in diameter, similar to a manhole cover. While logistically cumbersome, these side effects did prove to have several alternate uses. The former is currently being developed by a Japanese billiards company (available 2010, both in Men's and Women's formulas) the latter being considered for military applications.
Thanks for your question!
Prof. Lee Cho Seung, Head of Dept. of Lower Studies, Kuaxia Wu University, Dik Long Province, China.
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