Over the weekend, rumors popped up that LeBron James' mom had an affair with his teammate, Delonte West. I'll just let that sink in for a minute before I continue. Got it? Okay, good. The story goes that LeBron found out about the affair just before Game Four in the Cavaliers series against the Celtics, a series which LeBron and the Cavs then proceeded to tank in spectacular fashion.
So what happened? Is Gloria James a MILFy seductress who no man can possibly resist, or what? Well, let's get to the bottom of this, shall we?
Gloria James shows up to watch LeBron play. She sees Delonte West running down the court in his uniform and thinks "Damn, I gotta get me some of that." Sure, Delonte West is a young millionaire but I doubt Ma James is hurting for money, you know? So she probably didn't go after him for money. What about looks? Well, Delonte West looks like kind of one of the Diaz Brothers. Only, he looks like the blacksheep of the family, you know, the one that's hitting the pipe.
And then there is this: Delonte West was arrested last year while riding on a motorcycle and charged with carrying two handguns and a shotgun in a guitar case like he was some character out of Desperado. I don't know. Maybe Ma James had just watched Antonio Banderas pistol whip an entire bar and decided that she wanted to be Delonte's Salma Hayek.
Then there is also the rumor that went around a couple of years ago about Delonte West having herpes. Well, that certainly adds a wrinkle, or I suppose a cold sore, to things, doesn't it? Well, it would seem that this rumor is false and that Delonte merely has a birth mark on his face that, uh, makes it look like he has herpes. Okay, then.
So, would Gloria James really go after Delonte West? I mean, even if she was going after one of LeBron's teammates, there are better choices, aren't there? Maybe Shaq. They probably have a lot in common seeing as how they are almost the same age.
Then again, perhaps it wasn't Ma James doing the chasing but Delonte. Who's to say? Maybe he got pissed off at LeBron for something and took a Yo Momma joke a little too far. Maybe he's sick of being considered LeBron's sidekick. You know, a little like that time that Robin seduced Alfred to get back at Batman.
Or, perhaps Delonte West is really just a man who wants a family. Look, little kids are hard to deal with. They can be a pain in the butt. Maybe Delonte wanted to skip all of that nonsense and find a son like LeBron, a mature man who already has his act together. He won't need to raise him and the two can can go shoot hoops all day. Isn't that what every father wants? To be able to shoot hopes and hang out with his son? It might get a little weird when LeBron has to call Delonte Dad, but they can work through that, I'm sure.
So did Delonte West and LeBron James' mom really have an affair? I don't know. Frankly, nobody does but them and apparently LeBron. At least now, thanks to Heavy, you can understand just why it might have happened.