Whenever I list the things that I love — for affirmation of my existence, of course — the first two things that come to mind are the left cheek and right cheek of the female buttocks. I’m not sure why, but when I see a plump female rumpus, my heart begins to flutter like I injected a shot of espresso mixed with methamphetamines.
So, when I discovered today that the Mecca of plump butts, Brazil, has enacted a nationwide search for the roundest and juiciest of their nation’s derrières, I damn near fell out of my masturbation station.
In Latin America, a large female butt is a thing to be worshiped — that’s why I love them, I guess; I’m Hispanic, it’s in my blood — and this Brazilian contest is like the Ms. Universe for backside-meat.
Currently, 27 contestants, representing Brazil’s Federative Units, are competing in an online voting system. Fifteen will make it to the final round in Sao Paolo in November for the definitive “best bum-bum” judgment.
I have a few questions, though. First, why have I never heard of this contest before? I have felt an emptiness in my life that has now been fulfilled merely by the knowledge that this thing exists. And second, whom do I have to kill to be a judge?
Nonetheless, here’s some photos of several contestants, but do yourself a favor and visit the site and place your votes for the juiciest set of backside-clappers you can find. Or just peruse the site and marvel at the kind of tail you’ll never get within arm’s reach of. And then, just cry to yourself.